I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
