Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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