In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
