My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
