I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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