If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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