chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We are two peas in an std pod
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
