I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dignity is for republicans.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
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