and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
