my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
