i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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