i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm at about main and main street
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
