So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
