woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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