need another drink. this is the easiest way
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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