I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
