In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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