Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize