I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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