I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
