I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
