i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
