Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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