You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize