She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
