If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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