my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
