checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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