My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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