i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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