Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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