the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
