i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
