Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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