I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
