the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
