Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
