mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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