Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
