dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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