I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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