My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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