I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
