i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
