Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
