I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
