I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize