I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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