I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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