My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
