1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
