dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
