How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
