So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
