remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
