i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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