I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
