I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
